blazesketball

In mid-June, the Blazers declined to retain the services of both color commentator Mike “The Wild One” Rice and play-by-play man Mike “Mike Barrett” Barrett for the upcoming 2016-2017 season. The reactions from fans ranged from outrage to relief, with a seemingly substantial majority constituting the former. Personally, I was ready for a change. Barrett I can take or leave- he’s fine- but with Rice, the time for him to be replaced came and went about five years ago. He routinely misspoke, said countless things which were highly questionable in nature, and was constantly teetering on the edge of being a lovable homer and just generally unprofessional.

One time last season at the end of a close loss in Cleveland- just before the broadcast cut- Rice giddily yelled out, “Bloody Mary here I come!” Like that’s a real thing that happened. Stuff like that isn’t tolerated in virtually any other professional environment, yet the boy Mike Rice did it for years on live television. This seemed like a perfectly reasonable time for the organization to move on from him.

As far as Barrett goes, theoretically part of the reason that he wasn’t renewed was because of his relationship with Rice and the ensuing awkwardness that would come with him having to work with his replacement. However, it was likely predominantly about the opportunity for a clean slate that parting ways with both represented.

Two days after the options for Barrett and Rice were declined, the Blazers announced that they had hired ESPN Radio’s Kevin Calabro as Barrett’s replacement. Calabro- formerly the Sonics’ play-by-play man prior to their relocation to Oklahoma City- is a far better announcer than either of the Mikes by pretty much any objective measure. Everybody will love Calabro and appreciate the difference by about the second game of the season. Dude’s voice is buttery as fuck. Also, he doesn’t take every opportunity he gets to denigrate referees. So there’s that.

It’s been slightly over a month and the color commentator’s chair still remains empty, however. Various outlets have hypothesized on a variety of candidates, but honestly, they’ve been pretty boring; dudes like Mychal Thompson, Bill Walton, etc. I feel like if you’re going to do it, do it big. I’m trying to see an outlandish, out-of-left-field type hire. Like put Free Throw Guy on the mic. Spice this shit up. There’s a universe of candidates out there who qualify under these terms, and so, in that spirit, I’ve put together the complete, authoritative list of the candidates who I feel should be given a look as the Blazers’ new color commentator.

The list, in its entirety, is as follows:

– Sebastian Telfair

– The Ghost of James Naismith

– Cliff Robinson, but constantly in the process of rolling a Backwood

– B-Roy

– Gus Johnson

– Your buddy Dave, a really good guy

– Joel Pryzbilla

– Ha-Seung Jin

– Keith Bogans

– Whoever coached the Portland Fire

– Jackie Stiles

– Ray Lewis

– Neil Everett

– Sheed

– Mike Rice Jr.

– Kool-Aid Man

– Juan Dixon

– Mookie Blaylock

– Air Bud

– Shavlik Randolph

– Blaze the Trailcat

– Kevin Dillon in character as Johnny Drama

– Z-Bo

– Rollie Fingers

– Steve Blake

– Woj

– Rick Mahorn

– Tyrus Thomas

– PFT Commenter

– Kiki Vandeweghe

– Jeremiah Dominguez

– Billy Ray Bates

– Cleatus the Fox NFL Sunday Robot

– One of the Barry brothers (not Jon)

– Kaleb Canales

– Brookfield Duece

– FroZone

– Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

– TJ Miller in character as Erlich Bachman

– InFocus MondoPad

– Four term United States Senator Ron Wyden

– An actual pirate like with an eyepatch and a bird and everything

– Cuttino Mobley

– Vera Katz

– Petteri Koponen

– Martell Webster

– Ditka

– Marlins Guy

– Geoff Petrie

– Somebody with a dope Stralian accent

– Yuniesky Betancourt

– Freddy Jones

– Qyntel Woods