blazesketball

What’s up fam, welcome to the new longform iteration of blazesketball, and to the content desert that is the NBA offseason. The ‘yoffs are over, the draft came and went, and free agency is winding to a close. There remains nothing but deep, visceral sadness (and Las Vegas Summer League). Free agency has become a national topic of conversation as of late, due to the departures of both Kevin Durant and Dwyane Wade- from Oklahoma City and Miami respectively- in addition to the seemingly exorbitant contracts being given out to moderately talented role players. That being said, personally, I thought free agency was lame as shit. Durant joining the team with the greatest record of all time? D-Wade deciding to play in the same backcourt as Rajon Rondo? LeBron staying in Cleveland? WHERE’S THE INTRIGUE AT? The people want crazy, inexplicable decisions! With that in mind, here’s how I, personally, for no reasons in particular, would have liked to see free agency play out.

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Dwight Howard: New York Knicks

You already motherfucking know. Simultaneously the most Dwight thing and the most Knicks thing ever. D-Rose – Courtney Lee – Melo – Porzingis – Dwight would actually be a pretty interesting and theoretically dynamic starting five, despite jokes about most of them being washed. Mike Beasley sixth man too MAKE IT HAPPEN PHIL.

Deron Williams: Brooklyn Nets

I wanted this to happen pretty much just because it would be maybe the worst and least popular signing of all time. Neither side would ever consider it, which is exactly why it needs to happen. D-Will (People used to call him that! He was good!) would get the ultimate redemption, averaging 20/5/5 and leading the Nets to an improbable 35 win season. It would have been beautiful.

Dirk Nowitzki: Houston Rockets

Pretty much just to see the look on Cuban’s face.

Kevin Durant: Utah Jazz

Evidently, KD didn’t want the spotlight or pressure that came with being the face of the franchise in Oklahoma City. Hence, he sought ‘strength in numbers’ with the Warriors- or whatever- and now is in a position with significantly less personal exposure, at least long-term. Little did he know, he could have accomplished this same thing simply by going to an even less relevant market. Salt Lake City’s definitely the least relevant market to my knowledge, unless Albuquerque or Colorado Springs went and got a team without anybody noticing.

JR Smith: Los Angeles Lakers

It’s JR’s team baby. 25 shots a night, 35 foot stepbacks; whatever your heart desires. Like imagine Steph Curry after eleven bong rips. It also seems like destiny for JR to experience / generally dominate the nightlife of both New York City and Los Angeles. SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN A TELEVISION SHOW.

LeBron James: Sacramento Kings

People have floated this idea of LeBron becoming a ring-chasing mercenary who signs one year max deals exclusively with teams in the midst of lengthy championship droughts, and it would be weirdly fascinating if that became a real thing. The King playing for the Kings would seem like a reasonable place to start on such a quest. Also, this would be the biggest thing in the history of Sacramento by like a pretty wide margin.

David West: 2005/2006 Miami Heat

My man finally getting that ring.

Tim Duncan: Toronto Raptors

Just straight up ruining his entire career narrative, while not even actually turning the Raptors into contenders in the process. Also, pretty interested in Timmy / Drake interactions, who are more different than any two people I can think of off the top of my head.

Raymond Felton: Portland Trail Blazers.

Basically a West Coast version of Brooklyn signing Deron Williams, but better and with more cupcake memes.

Dwyane Wade: Denver Nuggets

It seems extremely unlikely that D-Wade could have justified tearing down his sandcastles Howard Schnellenberger-style and leaving South Beach for anywhere but Chicago, being as it’s his hometown. Which naturally leads one to ponder- what’s the least justifiable team he could have signed with? Cleveland doesn’t count because in the wake of the Durant signing the public would likely empathize more with Wade teaming up with his best friend to take on the probable death machine that will be the 2016/2017 Warriors. Milwaukee gets a pass because he played two years at Marquette, so we’ll go with the Nuggets, who were probably happy just to be in the room with Wade and his team.

Austin Rivers: Los Angeles Lakers

The ultimate betrayal.

Dion Waiters: Philadelphia 76ers.

Fuck it. Let’s make it happen. You already know Dion would play his heart out for his hometown. Trade for both of the Morris twins too. Philly over everything.

Boban Marjanovic: Portland Trail Blazers

It’s difficult to overstate how much of a cult hero the Bobe would be if he played in Portland. Anybody who’s remotely interesting becomes a cult hero here. I’ve been supporting Allen Crabbe unconditionally for three years because his ears are kind of big and his name is funny. Boban would be an unprecedented level of cult hero. Like think Joel Pryzbilla multiplied by Patty Mills. Boban drinking craft beers and wearing scarves to Timbers games; Boban eating Salt and Straw with his wife who’s like two and a half feet shorter than him; Boban replacing Mike Barrett in Wilsonville Toyota commercials… Blazer Twitter would’ve never been the same.